I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
