you would pick up someone in the library
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Is Oprah even human
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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