dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
