Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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