I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
