and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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