I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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