If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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