the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
