i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
