I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
