dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
