So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
