Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
