I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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