well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
