in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
