I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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