she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
