Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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