Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
