dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
