Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
