The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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