she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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