It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
