You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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