Don't you send me to vm
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
