I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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