My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
