rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
