My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
