And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she peed on how many people?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
