hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
My cat gives me a boner
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
