I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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