We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
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Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
do nipples grow back?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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