Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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