dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
