I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
