drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
