Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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