you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
