I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
