in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
