I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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