he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
