I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
