fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
