chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
