Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
