I just pynch a tree in the face
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
