I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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