omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
