I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
