Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
