it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
