Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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